A common phrase I am often faced with is that leaders who use bullying or abrasive behaviours at work can’t change. It’s a stereotype that persists that isn’t true for all who use abrasive behaviours at work.

How do I know? I’ve worked with abrasive leaders using a coaching method, Boss Whispering, who have been able to change their behaviours.

Are we pushing abrasive leaders away from help seeking?

I have read many terms used to describe others who use abrasive behaviours at work. Most often, I hear them called narcissists and psychopaths. A few year ago, reading a research article, in which others referred to them as dictators, two faced acto, evil, devils, witches, demons, and Jekyll and Hyde.

If these were terms leveled at you, would you feel safe admitting your abrasive behaviours at work and asking for help? Or would your first response be a fear based response that you would perceive as an attack?

Working with abrasive leaders to change their behaviours

In working with those to change behaviours, it is important to acknowledge these leaders are multi-facted. They often have successful and effective technical skills utilised in the completion of their jobs.

A common belief of those I coach is that they are helping your business succeed. One client I coached was focused on producing good quality products to be installed in homes and businesses. Another was in a quality control role and focused on ensuring quality in out-going proposals and submissions. Their view was that without them doing their job well, their workplaces’ reputation was at stake threatening the success of their companies.

However, with their colleagues, it was their delivery of their communication and behavioural approach which was problematic. It was that which was placing the health and safety of their work colleagues at risk.

To achieve change in an abrasive employees behaviour, they must be approached in a way that confirms their psychological safety (an individualised variation on organisational psychological safety). We must ensure that they feel safe to talk about their workplace behaviours and underlying fears without themselves or their positions being harmed.

How can we help abrasive leaders change?

Helping abrasive and bullying leaders change their behaviours often requires specific to responses tailored to their individual specific behaviours. This is why generic courses often do not work. What isn’t well understood is that commonly considered harsh and aggressive behaviours, for example swearing abuse, throwing tools, kicking equipment or even subtle behaviours, can sit in the blind spot of a bullying and abrasive leader.

Helping them change involves work with the abrasive leader to:

• Discover how their management stye is perceived. This allows them to understand in detail what aspects of behaviour needs to change.
• Understand why those negative perceptions exist. Evidence from co-workers explaining why these negative perceptions exist can be incredibly powerful motivators for change. It helps build empathy and drives motivation for change.
• Learn new strategies and behaviours to build positive relationships and get the best from their team. This often can’t be achieved alone by a user of abrasive and bullying behaviour alone. They have often been taught one way to do things and need specific guidance to new develop strategies to replace strategies that other consider poor behaviour.

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References are linked within the article